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Solie's Tuesday Morning Report: EXTRA!

Friday Morning Edition

Diary of a "Hitman": Book of Lists

by Ervin Griffin Jr.

In Search Of....Burma Shave: Part 1

by "Wild Bill" Rawlings


Volume 3, Issue 289 - March 12, 1998

Below begins the first part of a quest to discover the identity of an elusive correspondent to the Solie's Readers' Forum. Read and learn...

In Search Of....Burma Shave

by "Wild Bill" Rawlings

Part I - In The Beginning...

"Good evening...I'm Leonard Nimoy and on tonight's episode we begin a quest to discover the truth about one of the last great unknowns in the world today. As you recall, on previous shows we have successfully solved such mysteries as the creature known as Bigfoot...only to discover that it was just Vlade Divac with a bad hair day. And on last week's episode, we finally discovered the missing Jimmy Hoffa at a ski lodge in Idaho. He had become an Elvis impersonator years ago, doing shows nightly with a matinee on Sunday.

Having solved all those mysteries, we now turn our attention to one that eminates from the technological wonder known as the Internet. Among this sea of websites, crowded with such diverse activities such as gambling, pornography, and political satire, there exists an anonymous poster, known only as...Burma Shave.

A...fascinating...name, derived from a series of shaving lotion signs prominent on the backroads and highways of yesteryear, his style of writing equally as humorous as the classic road signs. Posting frequently at a popular professional wrestling site known as Solie's Reader's Forum, his name has become legend, as imitators have begun to spring up through out the Internet. Seeking to retain his anonymity has only caused his loyal readers to question the true identity of this clever writer even more.

Our mission, to boldly go where no man has gone bef.....wait, that's not right...I digress. Our mission....to discover the man known as Burma Shave!

We begin our search in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, the site this week of a wrestling show known as "Thunder". Since this is the "sport" that the mystery writer tends to cover in his thoughful prose, we determined it would be...logical...to begin our search here. It is hours before the scheduled air time as we tour the relatively empty arena...ah, here's someone who may can help us on our journey!

"Excuse me sir." I say to the man munching on a slim jim snack. His bandana obviously trying to cover the growing lack of hair follicles, he ceases his meal and stares at my...ears. Seeking to break his concentration, I decide to press on.

"We're searching for a man who posts on the Internet as Burma Shave. Would you happen to know his true identity and where we can find him?"

"Burma Shave...hmmmm. OH YEAHH! Tell you what to do...go ask that bald guy practicing in the ring...he can tell you EVERYTHING you want to know about Burma Shave. His name is Goldberg, but just call him by the same name we do...Wimp!"

"Thank you!" I reply as the bearded man in black and white disappears through the curtains towards the back of the arena. I hear sounds of faint laughter from that same area, but it is probably just an innocent joke.

Perhaps we will gather some much needed information from Wimp. Funny, it's highly unusual for someone who seems to be built like a redwood with arms to be named "Wimp"...but that may be just his wrestling nom de plume, a nickname. He obviously has just finished practicing as there are three stretchers with unconscious wrestlers being ushered to the back dressing room. I climb into the ring to get a better look at him.

"Excuse me Wimp!" I call out to him. The muscles in his back stiffen and the hair on his neck rises as he turns around to face me. I may be mistaken but I think there is steam rising from the top of his shaved head. I haven't seen anger like this since Shatner called that Gorn a "jerkwad". Is...is that foam around his mouth??"

WHAAAAM!!

Suddenly I see Grandma, my boyhood pet turtle Woogles, and my career...three things that no longer exist. I slowly regain consciousness, having no idea of how much time has passed, only a fleeting image of an extremely big man charging me like the Schlitz Malt Liquor bull!

"Mr. Nimoy? YO SPOCK!"

Turning my head, a rather slow and painful process, I notice the voice is coming from a youthful EMT. As I can now hear the siren and feel the bumps on the Louisiana roads, I come to the realization that I am currently in an ambulance as the effects of a painkilling IV start to kick in.

"Y..yes", I weakly mutter through the oxygen mask.

"I think we found most of your internal organs dude. It sure wasn't easy. We finally found your spleen in row 12, seat 6! With any luck, we'll be able to stick everything back in time for the next Star Trek movie, "The Wrath of Father Time"!

I weakly nod in acknowledgement, as my mind dizzily drifts back to those final fatal moments before the darkness came. It appears this mystery will require someone more stupid...I mean more trained for this kind of undercover work. Besides, I'm getting too old for this crap!! This is Leonard Nimoy saying, join us next week as we...I mean someone else... continues our search for...Burma Shave!!"

"Wild Bill" Rawlings is a longtime friend of Solie's and an occasional contributor to the newsletter. He also regularly enlivens the Solie's Readers' Forum with his wit and insight.



Here is a letter from Ervin Griffin:

Hello,

First, I want to say thank you to those who voted on BattleBowl '98: The World Warrior!! The response has nearly equaled the response I got for "Out Of Time '97"!!! But, that being said, I have run into a problem!!! Three of the matches are in ties!!! Normally, I would count a draw but I want to have a winner here!!! Here are the matches that are deadlocked at 8-8 a piece:

If you have already voted, please disregard this letter. If you haven't and wish to vote, here is your chance. I must have them by midnight on March 15 so send them in!!

On a lighter note, the response has been so good to BattleBowl that I am considering doing another BattleBowl dream card in the near future. Also, look for another vote by e-mail card in Solie's called "The Battle Of Champions." I will also use the results of this to make a "what-if" story as well (like I will do for BattleBowl)!!!

Well, that's all!! I hope to have the BattleBowl story up in my new website real soon!! See ya.


Diary of a "Hitman"

By Ervin Griffin, Jr.

Part 22: Book of Lists

Hello. In this final enstallment, I have asked for help from "Solie's" Title Historian Matt Benaka. Take it away Matt:

Titles Won:

Awards/Tournaments Won:

Greatest Opponents:

Greatest Moments (In no particular order):

And now for Ervin Griffin:

Worst Moments

Men Most Deserving Of The "HartBreaker" (my nickname for Bret's "ringpost figure-four")

Men That I Would Like To See Bret Wrestle Before The End Of His Career (some of my selections may surprise you)

Well, that's it from here. I would like to thank Matt for once again joining me for this "book of lists." See you next time when I (along with Matt Benaka) come back with "Stylin' And Profilin': The Legend Of Ric Flair. If you have any questions, e-mail me or Matt. Matt's address is mattben@cjnetworks.com My own address is griffiev@hotmail.com I can also be reached at griffiev@yahoo.com

Ervin Griffin Jr. is Solie's resident historian and also contributes to the Ringside Insider on a regular basis. Many of his previous articles are available in the Articles section of the website. Check out Ervin's Pro-Wrestling Fan Fiction web site.


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Thunder Report

Live from CentroPlex in Baton Rouge, LA.

As the announcers are introducing the card - the Giant arrives un-announced and goes to the ring. He says he hasn't seen Kevin Nash around lately - then he says he wants to take on the entire nWo tonight!! Randy Savage then comes down with Ms. Liz. He questions the evidence of his own ears then says that he likes it, if Giant takes out the nWo that leaves Hogan for him at Uncensored. He states that once that is past he will be able to tend to business and regain his World Title. Now Sting comes down. He has his own mic and reminds Savage that the WCW Title is his (Stings) . He and Savage agree to a World Title match for tonight! The announcers are telling us this is "the biggest Thunder yet" - that line seems to be getting a little old...

Brad Armstrong vs. Raven (w/the Flock at ringside) - Raven takes the mic and invite Brad to bow out - he goes on to recite some of Brads accomplishments and mentions how his career has gone in more recent years. He says that for years the promoters have been jealous of his father (Bullet Bob Armstrong) and have taken it out on him. It sounds like a recruiting pitch. Then he grabs hold of a DDT and the match ends in one move. Cut to commercial.

Tony invites Chris Jericho to the foot of the ramp for an interview. Jericho is wearing Juventud Guerrera's mask. He starts to rant, then interrupts himself to challange Dean Malenko to a Cruiserweight Title match tonight. He calls himself "The Man of 1004 Holds" and says that if he can beat Malenko with his own hold (Texas Cloverleaf) he will demand that Malenko rename the hold after him (Jericho).

Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Kendall Windham - Windham gets knocked to the outside early on and then gets creamed out on the floor. Back in the ring he makes a brief comeback but it can't last. His physique seems to have gotten softer in the months since he came back to WCW - he looks a little better than his brother. Duggan's three-point tackle/clothesline puts him down for the count. Cut to commercial.

Scott Steiner vs. Johnny Grunge - Scotty wants to shake hands before the match - Grunge the Dim Bulb falls for it and gets kicked in the gut. Johhny comes back on the third exchange but his advantage is fleeting. Steiner hits a belly-to-belly and turns the tables again. He grabs a bearhug. Grunge bites his opponent's head to escape but then gets downed by a clothesline. Steiner is in control until he rushes into the corner and meets a back-elbow. They struggle for position with Grunge on the apron and the PE member flies off and breaks his own table. Steiner drags his opponent back into the ring and wins with the Steiner Recliner. Cut to commercial.

Tony brings Eddie Guerrero down for an interview. He rants about his nephew "dropping the ball" last week during his TV Title match. Chavo comes down to get a better earfull. Eddie challanges him to a match with the stipulation that he will run Chavo's career if he wins. Chavo says "fine..." but if he wins then Eddie has to clean up his act. Chavo wants the match right now and goes to the ring. Eddie reluctantly joins him there. Right away Chavo puts himself in the driver's seat and he almost pins him moments later. The next exchange sees Eddie get a brainbuster. The Frog Splash ends the match. So will we see another heel in the Guerrero family? Stay tuned...cut to commercial.

"Voodoo Child" plays as Hollywood Hogan, Eric Bischoff and Scott Hall come down to the ring. Bischoff grabs a sign from the front row that reads "McMahon Worships Bischoff". They are here to answer the Giant's challange. Hall goes to some lengths to assure Hollywood that he has no problems with the nWo leader - makes me wonder if he hasn't been reading some of rumors about the supposed ill-will between him and Hogan. They don't actually say who will come down later and face the Giant. Cut to commercial.

WCW Motorsports report

Konnan (w/Vincent) vs. Lizmark, Jr. - looks like Vincent is going to play his poor-relation valet role right up to the end (reliable information has it that he is not being renewed). Beals and snap-mares don't seem to work on the masked Lizmark - he always seems to land on his feet. He also uses other high-flying tricks to good advantage but a spiked DDT ends his rally. The Tequilla Sunrise ends the contest. Konnan starts to take off the mask of his opponent but Juventud runs in (or flies in) to put a stop to that. As Konnan throws Lizmark out of the ring, Juvey tries to fly again but gets knocked off the corner buckle then spiked as well. Konnan stomps away and then beals the youngster by his hair before we cut to commercial.

Tony doesn't relish his next assignment - interviewing Rick Rude and Curt Hennig. Both rant at Bret Hart.

Saturn vs. Disco Inferno - what again? Oh well, these two have had some good contests in the past. Saturn flies at his opponent and takes the early advantage with a vengence. Disco is knocked to the outside where he creams Lodi then gets blindsided. Back in the ring, Disco has a flurry then succombs to Saturn's attack. Saturn comes off the top aruns into a boot to the jaw. Now it's all Disco for the next several exchanges then the match begins to see-saw. Eventually the Rings of Saturn prove decisive. Cut to commercial.

The Entire nWo (minus Nash) vs. The Giant - Scott Hall gets gorrilla slammed immediately - each member of the thug brigade gets downed - then Hall comes in again and is ejected - Konnan comes for a second round and gets Jack Knifed - that ends the match. The Gaint is chained up and lead up the aisle. Of course at this point Kevin Nash shows up and throwsa cup of coffee in the Giant's face. He breaks his chains with one move and chases Nash up the ramp.

Chris Jericho vs. Dean Malenko - Cruiserweight Title match - Jericho has the mask on again. He is aggressive to start and gains the early advantage, but Malenko turns the tables quickly and wins the match with his Cloverleaf. Malenko pulls off the mask and reveals his opponent has been Lenny Lane! Jericho runs in and uses the title belt upside the head of both Malenko and Lane. He puts the Liontamer on Malenko as we cut to commercial.

Lex Luger vs. Scott Norton - Norton goes to work on the bell and grabs the initiative. The fight goes out to the floor right away where Norton continues his assault. Back in the ring, he's still in control for a while then Luger comes back with a flurry. He's about to Rack his opponent when Scott Steiner runs in and causes the DQ. The two thugs attempt to punk Luger but Rick Steiner breaks that up. Luger and Rick clear the ring. Cut too commercial.

Sting vs. Randy Savage (w/Ms Liz) - WCW World Title match - Savage attacks before Sting can get his duster off. Sting comes back and continues to fight with his ring attire on. They trade punches for the most part then Sting downs his opponent and applies the Scorpion Deathlock. Scott Hall comes in and causes the DQ. Sting and Savage find themselves fighting off the thug patrol. Ed Leslie comes out to join his companions and Tony says that Hogan referred to him as "Apocolypse" last week...so maybe I was wrong to think Hogan wouldn't say anything that stupid... Sting takes an inordinate amount of time hooking Savage and himself up so they can be hoisted up to the rafters...but it's OK because the bad guys give them all the time they need.

Weak ending...as usual...

At least that's the way I see it...

Earl Oliver
Editor, Solie's Wrestling Newsletter


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