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Solie's Tuesday Morning Report: EXTRA!

WWF King of the Ring Report

Shamrock is the King of the Ring!!

Kane Wins the WWF Title!!

You Know You're a Mark when...

a compilation of Readers's Forum posts on this important subject


Volume 3, Issue 330 - June 28, 1998
News from Bob Ryder:

NIKITA KOLOFF HEADS TO EUROPE

Nikita Koloff leaves later this week to take a group of young people to Eastern Europe for missionary work. The group returns to the United States on July 6.

WCW AND WWF NEAR TOP OF CHART WCW and the WWF continue to be at or near the top of the Box Office charts for tickets purchased through the Ticketmaster website.

WCW placed 2nd and WWF 3rd for June 24, finishing behind the Rockfest 98 Four Day Pass. Both wrestling companies finished ahead of Elton John who finished 4th.


You Know You're a Mark when...

Part 1

Compiled by Earl Oliver

A couple of months ago there was a very funny series of posts on the Solie's Readers' Forum. For about three days this went on and before it was over I knew I had the makings of an article. So here it is in two parts.

Adaman started the discussion by posting this message:

Wild Bill, I'd like to start a discussion in the spirit of your many humorous posts. I'm not sure if this discussion thread has been done before, but how about if we all complete the following phrase: "you know that you're a pro wrestling mark when..."

and then he contributed some ideas of his own.

"...you know all the words to Hulk Hogan's 'Real American' song. and you actually thought the song was cool."

"... you think less of a person and laugh inside whenever you hear them use the phrase 'I'm just doing my job.'"


Several others got into the act...

Musclehead

"...you bought a copy of Michael Hayes' "Off The Streets" cassette, dug it, later lost it, and still want to get your hands on another copy of it."


JimmyD

...Every time Disco Inferno enters, you run to the closet and pull out your Bell Bottoms and four inch belt.


troy m. williams

...when someone at your job uses the phrase "break it down" and you get a silly smile in your face.


Biggie Smalls

... When you eat a Slim Jim and immediately say "ooooh yeeaaah".


Andre "Sweet Ebony Diamond" Hollis

"My fiancee asked me if I got home by 11 last night and I replied, 'You didn't know ? Yo' ass better CALL SOMEBODY !!!!'"


RunnelsD

You know you're a "mark" when you pray to a Hulk Hogan poster on your wall when you are having nightmares so you will be able to fall asleep.


Giant

...when you pause b4 answering the question..."You know that stuff's not real, right?"....


Enforcer

If you think Billy and Bart Gunn are brothers.


Justice

You know you're a mark when you've had your own "Undertaker sighting."


The Sensei

...when you wonder why refs are so bad at getting out of the way of the match.


TH

You know you are a mark when... even though they are only 12 inches, you refer to your arms as 'pythons'


Dr. X

You know you're a mark when you end every sentence with "WWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"


Many had more then one contribution...

Infoman

...you can't walk past a table without getting the urge to powerbomb the nearest person through it.

...you broke out the stop watch to time Nick Patricks count at Starcade

...you've asked why the guys just stand there when a luchadore is setting up for a top rope to the floor move.

...you see more PWI centerfolds than playboy centerfolds.


Franz Joseph

...When you have an Austin vs Michaels Wrestlemania 14 poster on your wall

...When you have WWF sheets on your bed.


Charlie Harvell

...when you are enticed to post a response to fellow markers.

.... when upon being told that the Piper segment was taped, You pull out your tape of Nitro and discover that From the time Mean Gene (in his black tie and pants) is out of the Hogan attack scene until he is in the ring after the commercial(in his red tie and brown pants) is exactly 2 minutes and 55 seconds.


Mighty Igor

...if you keep PWI's Off the Top Rope AOL address on you Buddy List with hopes of having a one-on-one conversation with Queen Brandi.

...if you have had a letter printed in PWI. (I have...December 1997.)


the Mothership

If you find yourself using the phrase "IF YOU WHEEEEEEL!" excessively in conversation...

When in public places, you have this uncontrollable urge to take a survey..."Hey YO!"


Total Elimination

...If during a staff meeting you interrupted the boss by yelling, "Hey! But what about me?"

....Walk around the office in a black trenchcoat pointing at your coworkers with a baseball bat.

...if your ever refer to yourself in the third person and talk about having to 'bring the smack down' on somebody.

....Ask your boss, "Hey, when am I gonna get a push?"


(Mad Dog)

When you and a co-worker at break play cards a refure to yourselves as tag-team card champs and make fake belts out of backbraces

You know your a mark when you put your hand on the t.v. in hope of being healed during a Brother Love segment.....


troy m. williams

...if you still debate over Austin + Goldberg

...if you watch RIW and order a P.P.V. replay on Tuesday

...if your license plate says WLFPAK

...if you expect Earl's opinion to be 'straight down the middle'.

...if you catch yourself thinking, "Anything can happen in the WWF'

...if you are wondering if Goldberg will make it to 100 wins

...if you give a damn what WWF merchandise Dok Hendrix is hawking

...if you're wondering where are the High Voltage t-shirts :-)


Buzzkiller

...when you introduce yourself by saying "I'm Buff, and I'm the stuff" even though you're as fat as Tony Schiavone

...when you get pissed off at yourself for oversleeping and missing LiveWire

...if you think Rasslin Reporter (check out Wrestling Uncensored for this knucklehead, he's a hoot) deserves a Pulitzer Prize for journalism

...when you think to yourself "if Mark Madden (or Al Isaacs) said it, it's gotta be true"

...if you think you can make money by starting your own newsboard (as Heenan says, keep your day job)

...if you call someone a "ham and egger"

...if your motto is "win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat"


burke

...you still eat your vitamins and say your prayers because Hulk Hogan told you to...

..if you really read the looong post by Muschlehead and Clint on the previous page...

Giant...You're a mark when....you think Warrior-Hogan was a good match (as you referred earlier)...


The Midnight Rider

...when you say "If you want to see me , give me a OH HELL YEAH!!!

...for the next Nitro, you lead a contigent into ringside for the sole purpose of waiting for Bischoff to come out and you start up "WE WANT FLAIR" chants to drown him out.

...when you can mistake relatives for wrestlers or the other way around.


BratGirl

"when every time you are watching the movie "Friday" and Tiny "Zeuss" Lester is beating up on Craig and you hope and pray for the "Immortal" Hulk Hogan to jump out from behind a tree and help take Zeuss out..." and you know this.....MAN!

"when you look at your watch and say 'according to the Brat's Rolex it's time to go'...knowing good and well that is a McGregor and not a Rolex"


Ed

...you sent a get well card to Hulk Hogan after he was "squashed" by Earthquake

...you thought Public Enemy were going to be bigger and better in WCW

...you cried when the Macho Man and Liz were "married" at SummerSlam '91

...you could care less about "Monday Night Football"

...you've ever done the Sandman's chug-spit-crush routine in public

...you've rendered somebody unconscious with a roll of quarters

...you think you have a realistic shot to score with a Nitro Girl...


E.S.

... when you go to the tennis court at the park, and you think : "hmm, only way out of this is either over the top or through the door"

... You included Ultimate Warrior's theme music on your "mix tape" in 1988, along with Iron Maiden, Dokken and Ozzy Osbourne

... you actually PAID to see "They Live"

.... you can remember the name of the THIRD Islander (The High Chief?)

... whenever you see an acoustic guitar, you think about how it would shatter over your buddy's head.. and finally, you know youre a wrestling mark when: YOU POST CONTINUOSLY ON EARL'S FORUM!


Buzzkiller

...when you think "Lex Luger" COULD be the guy's real name

...when you think the Human Torture Rack looks painful (although my nephew didn't like it)

...when you wonder "that guy saw Sting coming from all the way across the ring..why didn't he move?"

...if you thought the Machines were actually Japanese

...when you marvel that PE's table breaks EVERY SINGLE TIME!

...if you think Chyna is a woman (oops).


Fluff Daddy

...when you buy all the wrestling action figures even thought you are over 30

...when you bring a different variation of a 3:16 sign to every event you go to

...when you buy a "Your Name" 3:16 t-shirt

...when you watch every wrestling show, even the Pro and Worldwide.


The Man They Call Nice

.....When You know about, participated in, still allude to the nSo

.....tape Nitro,Raw, Thunder, and ECW so your grandmother doesn't miss it... buy a glow in the dark nWo t-shirt

....Look for yourself on t.v. after attending a taping

......practice ddt's, stunner's, diamondcutter's on your little cousin's

.......Think you can use combination's of wrasslin' holds in a real fight

...say "Cause Stone Cold Says So!" at the end of sentences

....Surf Wrasslin' websites at work on company time


Wild Bill

...you own all 42 versions of Stone Cold T-shirts!

...you carry a 2x4 and the American Flag with you to the DMV to renew your driver's license!

...you'll poke your grandmother in the eye to wrestle that DDP shirt from her hands that he threw into the audience!

...you have an autographed picture of ONE of the Mulkey Brothers!...and it's your most PRIZED possession!!!

...you know the name of every one of Chris Jericho's 1,004 holds!


The Traveling Javelina

....When the song on the radio makes your mental list of possible ring entrance music. (admit it, you do it too)

....When you convince yourself that you can pull off (he said "pull"-"off") an "Atomic Arabian Facebuster" with that innocent steel chair over in the corner.

.....When your forehead is heavily scarred from "blading" at work.

...When you still regularly use (and take credit for) a quote from a Jim Cornette/Midnight Express interview you heard back in 1988, - " I'll go through you like ex-lax through a widow woman"

.....When you can turn down the volume on your TV and accurately call an 8 man luchadore battle royal.

.....If you've ever yelled "hook the Leg" at the TV.

Watch for Part 2, coming soon!!



WWF King of the Ring Report

The Free-For-All begins with a promo for the main event. Kane drops stage blood all over the Champ.

Dok Hendrix is on hand to assure us that this will be the most extreme Pay-Per-Views we have ever seen. He outlines the card then throws it to Michael Cole who shows us a series of clips from the KOR Tournament preliminary rounds.

Cut to Kevin Kelly sporting a new moustache for an interview with Rocky Maivia. Flanked by Kama and Mark Henry, the Rock oozes arrogance and confidence in equal measure.

Back to Dok Hendrix after a short break to advertise DX's latest video. Looks like this will be all promo - no free matches this time out. I'll be back after the PPV starts (unless this stuation changes).

Fred Blassie narrates the opening montage. Live from the Igloo in Pittsburg, PA, the King of the Ring PPV is on the air. Jim Ross is our host with Jerry Lawler. The two announcers hype tonight's card.

The Headbangers/Taka Michinoku vs. Kaientai (w/Yamaguchi) - Taka wears a skirt for tonight's festivities. Thrasher starts out with Kao. The Headbanger easily overpowers his diminuitive opponent then tags in Mosh. Mosh continues the assault until Kao sidesteps and tags in Funaki, who fares no better then his partner. Taka comes in to keep the pressure on. A missle drop-kick sends his opponent to the outside where he follows up with a no-hands suicide dive. Back in the ring, Togo comes in to face Taka and finally makes some headway for his team. They exchange blows inside and outside the ring with Taka getting the worst of it. Now the bad guys are isolating Taka - a sound strategy considering the size advantage of their other opponents. He gets loose eventually and now the ring is filling up as the referee loses control of things. The denoument comes when Taka gets his Michinoku Driver on Funaki and takes the pin.

The announcers are talking about the Al Snow/Head vs. Too Much match when Sable's music starts up. She wears an off the shoulder black spandex number.

She introduces Vince McMahon who comes to the ring with his toadies. Brisco escorts Sable to the ropes and Patterson reaches out to pat her on the fanny. She turns and slaps his face! As she retreats he excoriates her then hands the mic to McMahon. VM polls the crowd on various questions such as: are they here to see Austin loose? are they here to see Kane set himself on fire? The results are predictable and not to McMahon's likeing - so he makes an insulting speech talking about the fans being disappointments to their parents, their parents being disappointments to them. He is here to soften the blow which he predicts they will feel when Austin is defeated later tonight. The fans start up a "You Suck!" chant as McMahon leaves the ring.

Dubba J (w/Tennessee Lee) vs. Ken Shamrock KOR Semi-Final match - Lawler points out a sign that reads "Double J: Ain't he Gay". Ross points out that Shamrock comes into this on a bum ankle. Jarrett jumps his opponent before the bell but Shamrock is way ahead of him. They exchange with out and clear advantage for a moment then Jarrett slips in a swinging neck breaker to grab the initiative. But not for long. Shamrock comes back and the fight goes to the outside. Jarrett is getting creamed at ringside then is rolles back into the ring. T Lee distracts Shamrock so that his boy can retake the advantage. He is working on the injured ankle. He winds his opponent's leg around a ring rope and twists on it until the referee grabs him by the hair to make him release the hold. As they move away together, Lee runs Shamrock's leg into the ringpost. This doesn;t seem to slow Shamrock and he continiues to outwrestle Jarrett until he slaps on the ankle lock and gets the submission. Lee runs in and gets suplexed. Mike Cole interviews Shamrock at ringside - he vows to go to the finals and win.

Rockie Maivia (w/Kama/Mark Henry) vs. Dan Severn - KOR Semi-Final match - the Rock's companions are turned back on their way to the ring so he will face "the Beast" on his own tonight. We get a clip of Severn injuring D'Lo Brown a few weeks ago before the match begins. He dominates the early going but the Rock shows a fare amount of mat expretise as he counter wrestles his opponent. Eventually he uses a short-cut to gain a fleeting advantage. Severn grabs an arm and applies inside pressure to turn the Rock's elbow in a direction it wasn't intended to go. The match starts see-sawing as Maivia abandons wrestling for brawling. Severn follows suit and both guys are down. Suddenly, Kama and Henry run in to distract the referee while D'Lo climbs the corner and drops a Frog Splash on Severn. Rocky rolls over on him and takes the pin. This is significant because it is Severn's first loss as a pro-wrestler - screwjob or no...

Clips of the Al Snow saga are shown.

Al Snow/Head vs Too Much - what a strange match this is. Basically Snow will take on young master Lawler and his jobber partner using a styrofoam dummy's head as a weapon. Fans at ringside press a male head on Snow as he approaches the ring. Jerry Lawler is announced as the Special Referee for the match and acts like he is surprised. Snow wins the first exchange with Tayor then turns to talk to the head. Taylor blindesides him but it doesn't help him much. Christopher is tagged in and spits on the head. The match progresses and Lawler starts to favor his son's team in his calls. Snow goes for a cover after a take down and Lawler takes an inordinate amount of time getting into position then counting. No cigar. Snow knocks Christopher to the outside then goes up the aisle to get a full head of steam as he rushes back and clothelines his opponent. Back in the ring they gang up on Snow while Lawler looks the other way. Taylor goes for a pin and Snow has to scramble to kick out before the fast count. Snow is being controlled for a bit then he recovers with a double clothesline and tags in the Head. Snow uses the Head as a weapon and has the pin but Lawler ignores it and leaves the ring. Snow continues to work on Taylor while Lawler returns and throws something to Christopher who has the Head. He attaches what looks like a plastic bottle to the Head and then pins it to get the win. It's a bottle of Head and Shoulders shampoo...right...

X-Pac (w/Chyna) vs. Owen Hart - Waltmen meets Owen in the aisle and the fight is under way. In the ring, X-Pac rushes the corner and connects...with the corner. Owen whips him piller to post - already the Kid is in trouble. He finally turns things around and the match starts to see-saw. Owen is usibg his superior size to good advantage but Waltman is right in there. The fight goes to the outside where tyhe Kid gets flung into the timekeeper's table then he is suplexed onto the Spanish announcer's table. Back in the ring, Owen drops into a reverse chinlock but X-Pac fights to his feet and reverses it to a sleeper. Owen escapes but he is weakened and the Kid is gaining ground. They struggle to the top together and both guys are hurt when Waltman falls spreadeagle on the top rope and Owen drops on his head in the ring. Outside on the floor - the Kid is splashed by Mark Henry who has shown up ringside. vader then runs in and gets it on with Henry. In the ring Owen has the sharpshooter but the ref is occupied outside. Chyna sneaks in and delivers a DDT on Owen. X-Pac rolls over onto him and gets the pin.

Paul Bearer appears in the entryway and comes to the ring. He gets the mic abnd starts to rant saying he wouldn't miss tonight for the world. He reminds us that he has takes two beatings at the hands of the Undertaker and talks about Kanes childhood, how he idolized his older brother. He vows to leave the ring later tonight as the father of the WWF Champion.

New Age Outlaws vs. The New Midnight Express - Tag Team Title match - this is the second "bonus match" of the evening. Set to fill some time so that the two main events can be shortened because of the ill health of the Undertaker and Steve Austin. This match pits supposed brothers, Billy and Bart Gunn against each other. Of course, they aren't actually related but that's neither here not there. They face each other to start the match and Billy takes the advantage then tags in his partner. As usual Jess "the jobber" James throws away the initiative. Bart controls him then tags in Bob Holly. Holly continues the assault and almost gets a pin. ME's strategy seems to be to isolate Road Dog - quite sound since he is clearly the weak link. Bob stops to ape the DX crotch shot and gets illegally bulldogged by Billy as he stands over the Dog. He comes right back and grabs a reverse chinlock on his opponent. Moments later he climbs the corner and flies only to meet the Dog's upraised boot. Both guys struggle to make a tag and the Dog wins. Billy is in a cleans house. Billy has a pinning combination but Cornette runs in and brains him with the NWA Tag belts.Two count but know cigar. More struggle then Cornette is in again but this time he is trapped in the corner by Billy. Chyna sneaks in behind him and delivers a low-blow. He rolls out then NAO catches Bob in a hotshot so Billy can gets the pin.

The Dork-X video and music plays as HHH comes down with Chyna to provide some color commentary for the King of the Ring Final match.

Rocky Maivia vs. Ken Shamrock - KOR Final match - Shamrock scores with a martial arts kick after the first few exchanges. The Rock rolls out of the ring to recompose himself. At ringside HHH is full of cute comments and himself, while Chyna has joined the Spanish broadcasters. In the ring, Shamrock is dominating the action. Rock goes out to confront HHH and gets a mouthfull of water in his face. Shamrock takes advantage of his confusion but ends up n the receiving end. Back in the ring, Maivia holds the advantage and whips Shamrock over the top rope. He ends up with his wrist caught in the ropes but escapes uninjured. Maivia is out again and in HHH's face but he is too busy with Shamrock to pursue the confrontation. Back in the ring the Rock goes for as pin but fails. Shamrock has reinjured his leg and is limping. Maivia is gaining ground as HHH and JR agree on snide comments directed at the competition in Atlanta. Shamrock is fighting back but gets caught in a flying DDT and downed. He comes back in a moment with a belly-to-back suplex. Both guys are down for the count. They gets to nine before either gets to his feet. Shamrock grabs the iniative now and the Rock is struggling. The match is see-sawing as each of them pulls out all the stops. The Rock goes for another flying DDT but Shamrock turns it into a suplex. Both guys are really getting tired. They trade pinfall attempts to know avail. Suddenly Shamrock gets his ankle lock. Maivias struggles for several moments then taps out. Shamrock is the King of the Ring!!

The Hell in the Cell is lowered over the ring. During his commentary, JR mentions that Steve Austin was hospitalized this week.

Mankind vs. The Undertaker - Hell in the Cell match - Foley brings a chair to the ring with him. He throws it on top of the cage and then climbs up to retrieve it. He is still up there when the lights go out and the Undertaker is introduced. UT climbs to the top and is met there by Foley's fists. The match starts on top of the cage. Mankind gets in a chair shot almost immediately, then another one. As they wal;k up there the cell ceiling starts to collapse. Mankind is setting up to suplex UT onto the chair on top of the cage when UT reverses the field and tosses him off the top onto an announce table!!! The whole thing stops while help comes out for Foley - including Terry Funk, Slaughter and McMahon. We are treated to the fall over and over from different angles. The Undertaker is still on top of the cage as they start to raise it back up. Foley is wheeled away on a stretcher after the shortest cage match I've ever seen. That's one way to protect UT I supppose.

But wait - Foley is up on his feet! He goes back to the cell and climbs to the top again. They start the fight again then UT chokeslams Foley through the cell top and onto the mat below!! The officials are in the cage now but UT isn't done with Mankind. Funk tries to get between them and gets chokeslammed. Foley is on his feet again but is bleeding from the mouth as UT starts his rope walking bit but Foley upsets his balance and topples him. Out on the floor the Undertaker attacks Foley with the ringsteps. Foley's left arm is hanging limp. UT goes for a suicide dive but Foley ducks away and UT tastes the cage wall. Now Foley has the upper hand for the first time in the match.

He piledrives UT onto the chair. Now the Undertaker is bleeding. Foley puts the chair on UT's head and drops a leg on it. Mankind seems to be enjoying himself. He seems to have a sliver of wood embedded in his nose. He goes under the ring and brings out a bag. It is full of thumbtacks which Foley scatters on one portion of the mat. They struggle for position and Mankind gets the Mandible Claw. Somehow UT manages to get Foley on his back then drops him onto the pile of tacks!! Now he picks him up and chokeslams him on the tacks!! He gets the Tombstone (mercifully, not on the tacks) and takes the pin.

That was one of the oddest matchs I have seen in 40 years as a wrestling fan.

Mankind is loaded onto the stretcher again but doesn't want to go out that way. He gets up and Terry Funk is there to help him walk back with Sgt. Slaughter.

Foley gets a massive ovation as he limps away from the ring area.

Time for bout 10 minutes of buildup for the WWF Title match...I need to go take a pee.

Time for the main event. Kane is the first to the ring accompanied by Paul Bearer. There are containers of gasoline standing by.

Austin runs to the ring and attacks. He downs Kane with a Thesz press. He turns and exposes one of the corner buckles. Kane comes right back and avoids the contact. Moments later he goes for a Tombstone but Austin gets away. As the fight goes out to the floor the Cell starts descending! They appear to be outside the confines but soon battle their way over to ringside as the cage continues to come down. As it approaches the floor, Kane has Austin trapped under it and he almost succeeds in causing Austin to be choked by it. The cage descends the rest of the way and Austin is flung into it but no blood appears. They continue to fight and now the cell is going back up! Kane is teetering on the doorway for a moment. Now they are tellng us that the bloodflow has to be massive before the match will be stopped. A simple scratch will not do it. Indeed, both wrestlers soon have small open wounds.

Now they are fighting outside the ring and up the aisle. Austin is suplex at the top of the low ramp. The crowd erupts into a chant of "Bullsh*t! Bullsh*t!" They battle back to the ring which is clear of the cage once again (although it is about 1/2 way down). Austin has the advantage and is throwing Kane all over the ringside area. But Kane gets hold of a fan anf brains him with it. The referee gets downed and now the fight is not being officiated.Back in the ring, both competitors are engaging in fisticuffs. Austin has his opponent in the corner where the pad is missing. He rams the back of his head into it. Mankind runs in with a chair but Austin gets the drop on him and stuns him. Then he gets Kane as well. The cage is back in place and here comes the Undertaker with his own chair. He tries to hit Mankind but gets Austin. He goes out and gets a gas can then returns to the ring and douses the referee with it!!! Austin is bleeding profusely about the head as the ref comes to and sees him. Kane has won the WWF Title!!! We get a look at Vince McMahon sitting with Sable in the back area and looking satisfied.

The PPV ends immediately before Kane gets a chance to celebrate his victory. That was one of the hairiest double main events I can remember.

At least that's the way I see it...

Earl Oliver
Editor, Solie's Wrestling Newsletter


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