Compiled by Earl Oliver
A couple of months ago there was a very funny series of posts on the Solie's Readers' Forum. For about three days this went on and before it was over I knew I had the makings of an article. This is the second installment.
You know you're a wrestling mark when your parents go out for the evening and you're left to babysit your cousins, you start wrestling and you actually break your little cousins' leg by pushing his big brother on him in a Handicapped Match. (My little cousin was in a body cast for several months, true story. Folks, don't try this at home..Grapps)
...if you actually believed that a 50 year old with a gut sticking out 3 feet was in "tremendous physical condition" just because Gordon Solie told you so
...if you believe that it takes years of wrestling experience to figure out that your opponent will rake your eyes
...if you believe that a wrestler you've never seen win a match has a tremendous won-loss record because Dusty Rhodes said so
...if you think that Roddy Piper can really handle Hogan and Savage at the same time
...if you have ever yelled at a referee to pay attention to the match
...if you *really* have a burning desire to see the rules enforced
...if you get excited when you hear that the WCW championship committee is about to make a big announcement
...if you believe that a wrestler introduced with a big promo campaign has a chance of being anything but a boring flop
...you feel very strongly about the McMahon v. Bischoff debate, and (going out on the limb) you actually believe that Bischoff is really going to let Ric Flair go
- "when someone cuts you off in traffic, and you run down a mental lists of all the finishing moves you'd do the jerk at the next red light."
- "when you see a professional wrestler in a movie or on t.v. or something else totally unrelated to pro wrestling and you feel the need to tell all of your friends."
- "when you call a pro wrestling hotline."
- "when you call your mom on your way home from the Daytona Ocean Center after Hulk Hogan turns into a 'bad guy' ." Damn it!
- "when your wife or girlfriend is talking to you during the really good part of one of the Monday night shows, and you actually debate in your head which sleeper hold to use on her to shut her up." I believe the Million Dollar Dream is the most effective.
- "when your favorite tag team is High Voltage." Only a guy from the middle of nowhere could like those guys.
- "when you crave anything that is REMOTELY tied to pro wrestling - like, say for instance, the search for Burma Shave."
- when you go the grocery store "for a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, and a stick of butter", and stop in the magazine section to check out the latest PWI power listings.
- when you already have that issue at home.
- when you see a tennis racket (see also: cell phone, bull horn, whistle, laptop computer, cane) as a managerial tool.
- when you long for the days of the 60 minute match, complete with 45 minutes of rest holds and all
... you had a subsciption to "Inside Wrestling," but wondered how Bill Apter managed every month to get those bitterly warring enemies to be so articulate while demeaning each other over the phone in the "One on One" column.
You know you're a mark when you actually go out looking for Ultimate Warrior's line of comic books. You know you're a smark when you actually go out looking for Stevie Richards' line of video grames.
... When you can either sing, or convincingly gargle, your way through the Soviet National Anthem.
... if you've ever participated in a "U.S.A., U.S.A." chant....
... especially if the bad guy was from a benign English-speaking country like England or Canada....
... and really especially if it was led by Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
... and speaking of Hacksaw, you know you're a mark if you had to fabricate for yourself some outlandish theory why archenemies Hacksaw Duggan and the Iron Sheik were caught with dope together in the '80s.
... if the name Gary DeRusha rings a bell....
... if you ever made a championship title belt out of tin foil as a kid (guilty here, folks, *blush*)....
... you've seen the movie "The Wrestler" starring Ed Asner and Verne Gagne...
... and at one point thought it might really be an accurate portrayal of "behind the scenes" in the wrestling world....
......when you see a good looking woman at a bar and you Strut across the dance floor
....when your convinced that Luger slammed Yokozuna, when Bobby Heenan says it was a hip-toss
....when you believe Luger deserves to be in the Packer Hall of Fame
..... when you tell your friends that you have heard of a Super-double-hip toss-Gorilla Press-Off the top rope Before Tenay said it
.... when you own a copy of Buff's movie "Day of the Warrior".....
.....You know you're a mark when you just can't get the Demolition theme music out of your head.....
You know your girlfriend is becoming a mark when she
....actually lets you put her in a figure four leglock
....when she starts saying "You know, that Bischoff guy looks gay, why is he always smiling and kissing Hogan"
......when she says "Disco Inferno may be cute, but he's no Buff Bagwell"
......when she wonders when Sonny Onoo will get his film developed
....when she agrees to have Ric Flair's theme music as her wedding march
.....when she gets bonus points for knowing Hulk Hogan's hometown is the same as hers (Augusta, GA!)
.....when she is really excited about seeing Stone Cold Steve Austin in an Armani Suit (and then took it off)......
...when you consider yourself a hotline fan
...when you think to yourself during matches, "that had to hurt"
...when you think things happened on Monday night because someone read your post on Solie's
...you claim to own one of Val Venis's movies
...You think the Armstrongs would become the greates family-stable in wrestling history if only they were all in the WWF.
...You think about Jameson (the nerd from Primetime wrestling) every time you hear a rumor about Jenna Jammeson
...You rate which TNT is your favorite (The cable channel, Tuesday Night Titans, dynamite, Savio Vega)
...You watch MCW and try to pick out who the future superstars will be
...You own a WWF action figure of Vince McMahon
...You hung up the little poster that came with it.
...when you believe Debra McMichael is going to actually sign with the WWF, and you look forward to seeing her again
...You use various wrestling insider lingo at work to see if any co-workers are closet wrestling fans
...you believe the Ultimo Dragon IS ripping off Ricky Steamboat
...You think wrestling is mainstream enough to wear an "Austin 3:16" shirt around town
...Your neck hurts when you think about the Ghostbuster
...You say "brother, at the end of every sentence"
...You 'Hulk-Up' when someone disses you
...You always say "believe me when I tell ya" because you've actually paid attention to so many HBK interviews
...You flex your right deltoid in the bathroom mirror and think you look alot like Jesse Ventura with hair
...You have a list of funny Jerry Lawler one-liners and believe he came up with them all himself
...you have a strong desire to see the Jerry Springer episode with Glacier and Kidman in the audience
...You have a tape of Hulk Hogan on "The Love Boat" (he appears in it for about 3 minutes total)...WHooooooooo
...when you have to make up excuses for not being available on Monday Nights
...You really do believe Hulkamania will live forever
...Some guy named, Pat Patterson (not the wrestler) is featured on the news and you have an intense interest in the story even though its a story on Home insurance rates
...You post at Solie's more than five times a day
...Whenever someone asks you a question, you respond, "I can't answer that right now, but if you call my hotline, I'll have all the answers right on up until midnight, 1-900-909-9900, kids get your parents, but CALL NOW!!!
...when you answer "yes" to a question you repeat your answer with a paul bearer, "oooohhhh YEEES!"
You start looking at your 5'0 female co-worker that looks a little like Sunny and actualy call her either "Tammy" or "Sunny"
When you wrestle in Karate class.
When Rocky was a face you said Rocky Rules, now as a heel you say Rocky Sucks
You still think of Hogan as the 6'8 310 monster from Venice Beach
When you recieve emails under your Hickenbottom_44@hotmail.com and one is from a guy who is convinced your are Shawn
and another from a female who wants to speak to you for ovlious reasons.
When you SING real AMERICAN AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS and place your hand to the ear cup.
WHEN YOU LOOK AT A GIRL and BURP in HER FACE AFTER DRINKING A STEVEWISER
Actualy beleiving that Stevewisers are better than Billy Beer
Actualy believing there is something called a STEVEWISER
Wanted to PLACE THE SHARPSHOOTER on a female friend
Desiring for Sable to put her hands on your thighs
Would love it if Hulk Hogan would HULK UP after Goldberg's jackhammer
Your a mark if
If you think Hulk Hogan is his real name
If you think the Honky Tonk Man is really Elvis
If you think that the Undertaker has risen from the dead all 12 times he died.
Confused how Hogan and Paul Orndorff could be enemies in early 1985, buddies in late 1985-early 1986, enemies in late 1986-early 1987, buddies again in 1987. In other words
why would HOGAN TRUST THE TRAITOR?
If you smoke a joint and call it a Hacksaw.
If you believe that Hacksaw and Hogan are techinal wrestlers.
If you believed that Bischoff wanted Hulk Hogan since 1990, when the then President Bischoff of the AWA made a video about Hogan's great matches of the AWA, or should I say TWO matches.
If you really thought Bundy had killed Hogan with his splashes.
If you think John Studd cut Andre's hair without premission.
If you believed wrestling only became in the last 10 years, due to injury of the preformers.
If you wonder why Hogan HULKED UP from the BUNDY SPLASH at WM2, but didn't HULK UP FROM IT THREE MONTHS EARILER
Why Jack Tunney didn't hand the WWF title back to Hogan, when Andre cheated.
Constanly getting confused when McMahon would screw up during commentary and have to have Jesse save him so then he could save himself (HUH?)
If you really believe that Terry Bollea is Rocky's sister.
If you watch a OLD 1980 clip of Hulk Hogan and wonder how he shrunk.
If you think Stan Hanson is Steve Austin's father
If you post on Earl's as Ted Turner and say something dirty like Jane messes with Hogan dolls and that I like to stick them up in DIXIE
If you really believe that its a coincidence that Jeff Jarrett copies both Ric Flair and the 1980 HEEL Hulk Hogan.
WONDERED WHY SID would allow his arm to get clipped by Hogan's
Wondered HOW Flair could be WCW Champ in the WWF.
ARIEL A. CARDONA (MR. TUESDAY MORNING)
You can call yourself a mark if:
2) if you walk like you were an airplane (ala Bischoff and Hall)
3) if somebody ask you if you wanna go to the bathroom and you answer: "oh hell yeah!,"
4) if your wife asks you to go to bed and you answer: "I lay down for no one!,"
5) if everytime you see a gray hair man and yell: "weasel,"
6) if you have a sign saying "Hogan rules"
7) if you still expect a Horsemen rebuild (even if it comes true)
8) if your favorite movie is Suburban Commando
9) if you believe Bischoff is cool
10) EVERYTIME you cheer for Lex Luger and 11) if you chant "Rocky Sucks" and believe it's true!
1. You answer everyday questions with my sources tell me.
2. You think ECW will be on the next edition of RAW.
3. You tell people all about every gimmick Ed Leslie had.
4. You use the words shoot, work, and jobber in every sentence.
5. You are positive that Jake Roberts, Tony Norris, Sid, Kevin Kelly, and Ted Turner will all be on the next Nitro.
6. You have your own newsletter and in it you make up all the "news."
7. You have your own newsletter and in it you put all the things you read in MiCasa and Scoops.
8. You can name all four Doinks.
9. You know what the letters in most Indy promotions stand for.
10. You have it confirmed that Yokozuna, Sid, Johnny Ace, Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Jackie, Stevie Richards, The Nasty Boys, The Pitbulls, Abdullah the Butcher, Paul Ellering, Butch Reed, Steven Regal, Dave Taylor, and Reckless Youth will all be on the next edition of RAW.
Dog of War
2)You know who Charles Robinson is.
3)You wish you had your own finishing move
4)You wish you could have your own theme music.
5)You've ever gotten into an argument about who does the best DDT.
6)You were actually excited when you heard the Midnight Express were reforming.
7)Your oldest son is named Arn, Muta, or Snuka.
8)You own a big foam rubber Hulkamania hand.
9)You have a framed picture of Gordon Solie on your wall (I'm guilty of this one, and I'm not ashamed).
10)You cried at the end of "No Holds Barred
2)You've ever invited your girlfriend to "Ride Space Mountain."
3)You attend an amateur wrestling competition and marvel at the lack of foreign objects and outside interference.
4)You think Classy Freddie Blassie really is pretty classy.
5)For the last three years you've eaten nothing but Slim Jims.
6)You've ever demanded a moment of silence on the anniversary of Andre the Giant's death.
7)For five years now you've been scouring record stores for a copy of "Ain't I Great?"
8)You think Stanley Kubrick stole Ric Flair's theme music for the movie "2001".
9)You're impressed by Jerry Lawler's 28 times as USWA champ.
10)You've ever demanded a five-count.
2)You've ever wondered where you could get a pair of "High Energy" pants
3)You've ever responded to an allegation by repeatedly screaming "Untrue!!!"
4)You've always wanted to eat a Beetle Nut or Cosmic Cookie
5)You've ever tried to put the Tongan Death Grip on yourself
6)You've ever bladed, just to see if it hurts
7)When internet friends ask you what you look like, you say "I look just like Shinya Hashimoto" (I really do)
8)A "Who would win, Batman or Hulk Hogan?" conversation between you and your best friend ends in a fistfight
9)The name Pistol Pez Whatley means anything to you
10)You've started a Power Plant fund for you kids
You know you're a mark if you really think Crush's father was a clown.
Clint Top 20 REASONS YOU ARE A MARK WHEN...
19. If you enjoyed Hogan's WCW music "American Made"
18. If you used to wear a white suit and tell everybody, "I love yew."
17. You enjoy ripping your T-Shirt and leg dropping your bed.
16. You still believe that Hogan will Hulk UP again,.
15. When working at your job at CVS and a manager asks you a question you answer with, "Well you know something Mean Gene!"
14. When you see a coworker named Anne (or Shiela for that matter), and you desire to place her into the Sharpshooter.
13. You want to use a modified Power Bomb on Sable.
12. You hold a sign up in the air that says, "Where' HULK" and keep on talking about how Yokozuna's Bunzi Drop ended his career.
11. You want to place your wife or girlfriend in a modified version of the Boston Crab.
10. You rant that it will "Never, ever happen AGAIN"
9. A co-worker named Anne reminds you a lot of Bret Hart because:
2. She believes that she's "The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be."
and everyone else, including her boyfriend, except you, thinks she is full of complete crap.
8. You order a custom made 3:16 shirt with your name on it.
7. You wondered why in 1994 when Hogan went WCW, that he didn't use REAL AMERICAN.
6. When you were a kid, you really believed that Hogan didn't have Lust for Liz.
5. If you think Bad News Brown is Rocky Miavia
4. If you think Bill Goldberg is better than Hulk Hogan was in his prime.
3. When in High School, you knew a girl with a GREAT EGO who abused people, got leads in School plays and loved no one better than herself, and was named Ellen Hogan. She claims not to be related, and claims to hate wrestling. Still, you call her a damn liar.
2. You refer to your trips to the toilet as a 3:16 or opening the Can full of WHUPP A**!
1. If YOU'RE in the MUSICAL ONCE UPON A MATTRESS but feel that the Princess and the Pea would be a GREAT ANGLE FOR A WRESTLING FEDERATION.
The opening is a montage of stills from the World Title match at Nitro this week. We then get comments from JJ Dillon concerning the US Title situation now that Goldberg has won the World Title. Curt Hennig has challenged Goldberg for the World Title and Goldberg has agreed so the match is set for Bash at the Beach this Sunday. Well, there's one win for Goldberg, if anybody will be slated to break Goldberg's streak, you know it won't be Hennig before Hogan gets his shot at a rematch.
Tony is standing at the base of the ramp to talk to somebody - but first he hypes the coming PPV. His interviewee is Curt Hennig who says he can't face DDP tonight because it conflicts with his game plan against Goldberg (huh? is that a reason..?)
Tokyo Magnum/Shima Nabunaga vs. Public Enemy - PE has a score to settle with the Japanese contingent of the Dancing Idiots (Tokyo Magnum) for interefering in their match the other night. PE dances all over these jobbers' faces. I am just a bit affronted that this jerk calls himself "Magnum" - Terry Allen was my favorite wrestler of all time - this guy doesn't deserve that moniker. His partner seems to have more on the ball and manages to turn the tables for aboyut 2 1/2 seconds - then PE is all over him again. He ends up going through a table then is rolled into the ring and pinned. After the match TM wants to dance and this distracts PE so that the Fools can run in and punk them. Cut to commercial.
Ernest Miller vs. Villano IV - Villano looks to hold a size advantage and definitely has more experience then his opponent. He pounds the rookie into a corner right off the bat. Miller is still in his ring attire when he comes back with a sunset flip. He is again thrown off his game and Villano is all over him once more. Miller finally comes back with a round kick to turn the tables - as Miller makes his come back, Villano V comes in and makes the switch but this doesn't slow down Miller at all. He kicks IV off the apron then puts his foot in V's face and gets the pin.
Tony calls Eddie Guerrero to the foot of the ramp for an interview regarding his problems with Chavo, Jr. Specifically, he wants to get Eddie's response to the "Hair vs Hair" challenge for the PPV this Sunday. Eddie first congratulates Goldberg on his victory then rants against his nephew - he accepts the challenge and vows to shave Chavo's head. Cut to WCW Motorsports then to commercial.
Tony is in the ring for his interview this time. Diamond Dallas Page is the subject. Page also congratulates Goldberg on his win. He says, "I'm proud of you, Goldberg. That's a shoot and you know it..." (perhaps these tributes are to make up for the lack of any celebration following Goldberg's victory on Monday) He compares Malone's work ethic to Rodman's and finds the latter lacking. He reminds us of his prediction about the kind of week Hogan was going to have this week. He turns his attention to Hennig and says there's no way he'll be weasiling out of their match tonight.
Judo Suwa vs. Juventud Guerrera - the Mexican star seems to be getting nothing but pushover opponents since his over-match a few weeks ago against Reese. This kid is pretty tough but makes a lot of rookie mistakes and holds no size advantage over the diminuitive Guerrera so the outcome is foregone here. As the match progresses there is a stir in the ccrowd and Kidman arrives ringside. Two Juvey Drivers put Suwa away then the Flock pours into the ring to punk Guerrera.
Video review of the "Hair vs. Hair" challenge of Chavo Guerrero then cut to commercial.
Tony talks to Steve McMichael who wants to talk about Four Horsemen business - specifically he wants to alk about Arn Anderson. He presents a tribute video devoted to Arn. Arn is shown in an interview prior to his match with Ric Flair at Fall Brawl a couple of years ago. Mongo then pleads with Anderson to think about coming back and reforming the Horsemen.
Stevie Ray vs. Konnan - Stevie grabs the mic to issue a rant and dedicate his match to his brother (whom he does't approve of lately). Konnan has his own rant which he delivers on his way into the ring. Stevie strikes before he can get through the ropes and takes the immediate initiative. Moments later he misses an elbow drop and gets upended with a somersault clothesline. The fight goes out to the floor where K-Dawg turns his back and gets creamed then receives a chair shot. The ref throws the match out but Stevie isn't done. He rolls Konnan back in and threatens to use the chair again but Booker shows up and stops him. They argue as they return to the back together.
Hennig is on the phone in the back talking to Rick Rude about getting a letter from his lawyer to prevent the match with DDP tonight.
Raven/Horace vs. Saturn/Kanyon - Kanyon is too obsessed with getting his hands on Raven and it hinders his effectiveness in this match. He is soon isolated and worked over by his opponents. He finally gets a tag in to Saturn hwho starts cleaning house. He downs both guys and then goes out to pull a tables out from under the ring. He gets nailed by Raven but Kanyon bails him out. Kanyon puts Raven on the table and starts to pummel him. Saturn goes up to dive on Raven but Lodi throws powder in his eyes. Outside, Horace is hitting Kanyon with a Stop Sign. Kanyon ends up on the table when the mostly blind Saturn launches himself. The table doesn't break and both guys seem to take it pretty severely. Kanyon is rolled back in by Horace and covered by Raven. Cut to commercial.
Rick Fuller vs. Steve McMichael - Mongo tries to make short work of his opponent but Fuller is a really big guy and has a little talent - and probably more experience then McMichael, so he puts up a pretty good fight. He finally makes the fatel error of climbing to the top when Mongo is still on his feet. He is upset then treated to Mongo's Tombstone piledriver and pinned. Cut to commercial.
Still images from the Jericho/Malenko confrontation which has suspended the match between them that was scheduled for Sunday night.
Chris Jericho makes his usual self-serving speech - he says he's not very happy because he doesn't get to wrestle Dean Malenko at the PPV. He blames it all on Malenko's "unprovoked" attack. He calls JJ Dillon to the ring to tell him who he will face on Sunday. Dillon fails to appear (because, as J-Boy knew, he's not here tonight) so Jericho assumes he has the night off for the PPV. (Don't bet on it Loophole Boy...) Cut to commercial.
Chris Jericho vs. Ultimo Dragon - Cruiserweight Title match - didn't we just see this match..? The Dragon is on top of things tonight and takes the early advantage. Jericho ends up outside and gets splashed there. He starts to walk away but thinks better of it. He re-enter the ring and turns the tables almost immediately. His rapid-fire kicking machine impression comes into play but Jericho comes right back. They struggle for position on the top turnbuckle and the Dragon prevails. But Jericho is still in it. They exchange again and UD grabs the Dragon Sleeper - but Jericho is in the ropes. Now the Dragon gets a succession of failed pin attempts. A Frankensteiner attempt puts him right in position for the Liontamer.
Tony interviews Kevin Greene. Greene now faces the Giant on his own this Sunday since his tag team partner Goldberg is otherwise occupied. Greene adds his congrats to the new Champ then talks about his coming match. It is 7 PM straight up as we cut to commercial.
We come back to a tribute video featuring the Worm...
Diamond Dallas Page vs. Curt Hennig? - it is still unclear as to whether this match will take place as DDP makes his entrance. Dillon isn't around so I'm not sure who will enforce WCW's will on Hennig. Hennig reluctantly approaches the ring in his street clothes and with Vincent in tow. A security guy meets him in the aisle and hands him a note. Hennig looks happy about it. He shows the note to David Penzer and has him read it. It is an attorney's letter that purports to absolve him of responsibility for the match tonight. Vincennt attacks from behind and Hennig joins in but DDP fights them both off and Diamond Cuts Vincent. Hennig slips out of the ring as Goldberg's music plays. Hennig seems unsure of what to do and we don't see Goldberg before the program ends.
I am very disappointed in WCW. No celebration for Goldberg and no word from the new Champ - I can't remember that ever happening in either promotion and I think it stinks.
At least that's the way I see it...
Editor, Solie's Wrestling Newsletter
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